


let yourself be broken

by Molnija



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: A Lot of Awkwardness, Awkwardness, Fluff, M/M, and a bit of angst, and now that i'm done my life feels empty, and volleyball, and you will bow to me as the akaoi queen, but that just means i'll write more, don't think about it too hard it won't make sense, except not really that much volleyball at all, i just wanted to finish this CAN YOU BLAME ME, no idea how this fits into the timeline, oh but also, this is literally 8500-something words of fluff, what exactly am i doing with my life? i don't know either
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2016-01-09
Packaged: 2018-05-12 17:21:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5674294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Molnija/pseuds/Molnija
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time they met was in a hallway during a training camp.</p><p>Things went a pretty strange way from there. Or maybe they didn't. </p><p>Maybe this was as ordinary of a lovestory as any.</p>
            </blockquote>





	let yourself be broken

**Author's Note:**

> Why hello, I have fallen into rarepair hell and don't really want to get out!
> 
> Don't mind me, just throwing out a fic of over 8500 words (or so Word told me) about two characters that have never interacted in canon yet still make me wanna tear my heart out because. Oh god. Akaoi. ;w;
> 
> I apologize for probably switching around between American and British English, likely OOC-ness because you should not write a fic of over 8k when it's your first time of writing two characters, maybe spoilers for the Karasuno/Seijoh match in the Spring Prelims? I mean, I don't read the manga, I just know how the match ended thanks to Tumblr. But maybe ... Just maybe I'm diverging from canon here, maybe I changed it up, so you still have no idea whether or not it's correct. So yeah. Not really spoilers at all. Still, proceed at your own risk.
> 
> And if there are any mistakes, it's because it's unbeta'd, mostly written during the time where normal people are asleep, and also English is not my first language so there might be stupid stuff flying around. Uh.
> 
> The nickname 'Akaacchi' was in my head because I like calling characters stuff like this (IWACCHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII) and then I realized it's also used in another Akaoi fic, please don't kill me. ;A;
> 
> The title is weirdly angsty, but IT'S REALLY MORE FLUFF and it feels kinda rushed because I left so much out but that only means more stuff to write!
> 
> Anyways, have fun! o/

One.     

You have no idea how you got here.    

Two.

Lights are exploding around you, sparkling in the black night’s sky. It’s as if the stars themselves are falling to earth.  

Three.

By the tree on the hill nobody knows is the best spot to watch this spectacle, you sit on the ground, mesmerised by the bright colours. _It’s been a while_ , you think. But the memory of the last time you saw the fireworks still burns in your brain.        

\---

The first time they met was in a hallway during a training camp.             

For a week, some powerhouse schools from all over Japan would spend their time training, giving occasional interviews, and making new relationships that would eventually be destroyed by the time nationals came around because hey, in the end it was all a big competition.

Oikawa had to be honest, for most teams, he didn’t know what they had coming. Sure, Aoba Johsai would finally advance to nationals this year, but as of now he had only ever had to care about the schools of Miyagi. This training camp was a first, but a great opportunity nevertheless, if only so they could crush the poor others’ morals.    

Even though he would have liked it even more to finally defeat Shiratorizawa. Sadly, they had declined for whatever possible reason, maybe so that the other teams wouldn’t get the advantage of training with them to prepare for the obvious finale of Shiratorizawa versus … Anyone, really. Seijoh, if things went correctly. Which they would. They had to.         

“Stop that.”      

His head turned to the left and he met Iwaizumi’s gaze, one that others would easily mistake as a threat. Okay, actually, he should take it as a threat too, because it probably was. But you had to stay optimistic, right?

“Stop what?” Even though he knew exactly what his friend was talking about, Oikawa still played dumb. It earned him a fist in his side. “Ouch! What was that for?”    

“You’re worrying again, you idiot,” Iwaizumi declared in a tone that held no mercy. “Stop thinking about what will happen and look at the stuff in front of you!”  

Oikawa gave him a sheepish grin. “Like an open book, huh? Geez, Iwa-chan, you’re really scary sometimes.”

He didn’t have to voice ‘that’s my intention’ and couldn’t either, as it was at that moment that three people appeared from the gym that lay on their right a few metres away. One of them had spiky black-and-white hair that made Oikawa genuinely question that boy’s fashion choices – he looked like an owl –, then there was a girl in a blue t-shirt with shoulder-length brown hair holding a volley ball in one hand and a rice ball in the other, and the last one, another boy with black hair bearing the number 5 on his jersey, looked like he didn’t want to be here.        

“That’s Fukurodani, right?” Oikawa asked Iwaizumi loud enough for the three to hear him. “I remember that owl guy shouting as if hell broke loose on the court. I wonder if he can still talk.”            

“Hey, I’m not _that_ loud!” came the answer in an ironically loud voice. Jesus Christ, this boy needed to learn how to lower his volume. “Besides, it’s like that once you’re fired up! You act like it’s annoying!”

“That’s because it is.” To Oikawa’s surprise, it was the black-haired guy that spoke up, not him or even Iwaizumi. It was only four words, but he could see the owl guy flinch as if he had just stabbed him in the chest, his expression crumbling into one of defeat. This quickly? If he was as inconsistent on the court as he seemed to be off it, his team must either be really good to cover that up – especially since the line under the 4 on his jersey indicated he was their captain – or they must be a pretty inconsistent _team_ altogether. Either way, he filed that under _things that could be practical in a match_.

“Akaashi …”      

The girl took a bite from her riceball and mumbled something that sounded like “it’s not that bad, Akaashi’s just overreacting”, but who could be sure? Had she actually waited until her mouth was full to talk? Or was she just coincidentally always eating? A mystery for another day.          

 _Akaashi, right_ , he thought. He had heard that name before. Akaashi was their setter, while owl guy’s name was … Bokuro? Bokuto. Right. One of the top five aces in the prefecture or something. Not that he cared. Not a bit. Then the girl had to be one of their managers, or else she wouldn’t have been here, carrying volleyballs. She looked too young to be a teacher or a consultant, too.

“It’s just because you never get as motivated unless we’re playing official matches.” The pout on Bokuto’s face reminded Oikawa of Tobio back in his Kitagawa Daiichi days when he wouldn’t teach his underclassman how to serve. Just that it didn’t look nearly half as adorable (if annoying) on an apparent third-year. “Just be a little bit more enthusiastic!”  

“Someone needs to be the sane one,” Akaashi replied, his frown deepening. Honestly, he looked about 120 percent done with his fellow team member.     

Oikawa gave Iwaizumi a subtle grin and whispered, “What this poor guy has to deal with … It’s probably like this all the time.”  

“Still better than having you around all the time.” Always sharp and ice cold like a frozen spear, right in the heart. Ouch.

“That’s rude!”  

“But true.”        

“Don’t you have a match or something or why are you here?” the girl broke their conversation. As Oikawa turned to her, he saw that she didn’t have the rice ball in her hand anymore. Had she eaten it? In this short timespan? Who _was_ she? “Because I think we have to play against you next up.”    

What one thing had to do with the other he didn’t really know, but he did vaguely remember that their first match – even though all the other teams had already played one, Seijoh had arrived late due to traffic – was set against Fukurodani in … How late was it, even?              

“Yeah, in ten minutes.” Iwaizumi to the rescue! What would he do without his vice-captain? Probably live a peaceful life without being hit all the time … But everything came with a price, he supposed.

“Then get ready to have your first game taken!” Bokuto shouted, completely healed from his former state of shock. Now, the determination reflecting in his gold-brown eyes was kind of frightening. It reminded him of that Hinata guy they had fought in that one practice match, the one from Karasuno who had done those amazing quicks with Tobio. Surely, they would have won had Oikawa played from the beginning, but … It still freaked him out just how focused the short boy had been on winning. If Bokuto was anything like this, they might actually have a hard time.     

But he had also already seen just how easy it was to shake that ace’s mood. If Seijoh got a lead on them and Oikawa would be able to get a few service aces in, he might be breakable without that much effort. The problem, he felt, was that setter.       

It was hard to read him, but if anything, Akaashi seemed unshakable, as if he had been through too many of the shenanigans Bokuto probably pulled on a regular basis to even care anymore. But everything, everyone could be broken. He just needed to do it right.  

Oikawa put on his best intimidating face and stepped forward, closer to the opposing setter. “Well, you can try, but please don’t cry when you won’t even get a set,” he said in a low voice, a threatening smile on his face. “Even though it’ll be nice to get you off of your high horses. Take it as a chance, see … To learn a thing or two from us.”        

“Whatever you say.”    

What? 

Akaashi stared him right down with a blue-green gaze that seemed entirely too unimpressed.             

And started walking down the hallway.              

“Akaashi!” Bokuto and the girl hurried after him without so much as a greeting as they left the two Seijoh students standing there. Iwaizumi let out a “pff” sound, about as shaken by the whole ordeal as the other setter had been, but Oikawa needed a second to reboot.     

That couldn’t even have been considered a reaction. His entire point had been to find out how Akaashi would react to a challenge, whether he would flinch, be irritated, or let out a sarcastic retort. But that? What had that been? _Whatever you say_? It wasn’t even that he had been unfazed, that he had been strong enough to force down any emotions that might get in the way of victory. No, Akaashi had looked as if he had genuinely not given a damn.           

“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa heard himself saying. “I think I just found my calling.”        

“What the heck? Focus on the match, dumbass.” He could imagine Iwaizumi frowning as he kicked Oikawa’s leg, but he still stood there looking after the other three that had long disappeared into another room. He could not let it end like this. The purpose of his words being so completely and utterly ignored had a special sting to it.

He would get a proper reaction out of Akaashi. It was a matter of pride.            

\---

Four.

 _It feels empty, being here alone_ , you think. You’re pretty sure that this is the first time you have been here on your own, watching the explosions of colours from afar. There is a bittersweet taste to it, as if you had been stabbed in the heart by a spear that at the same time releases some sort of drug into your veins. It hurts, but do you want it to stop?

Five.

You want to ignore the voices in your head, not, not the _voices_ , just the _voice_ , the one that keeps telling you promises it can’t keep. You know it can’t because it tried and failed miserably. _I’m here_ , it says, _I’ll always be here_ , but in the end it’s for nothing, isn’t it? Because your pain forges you together and the world tears you apart. Because even if you try to stay and cling to him for dear life you can’t do anything when he starts fading.

Six.

No, not fading. He has not faded, he has not been fading, he will never fade, that’s the thing about him, no matter how much you want him to leave he just _won’t_ , and instead he just kneels there with you and holds you and your nails dig into his skin. That’s when the storm comes, and it brutally rips you apart, but your nails are still there, keeping him here. But when you look up and see him crying, you realise he’s bleeding from where you’re still clinging to him. And you’re doing this to him. And you’re hurting him so much it kills you.

\---

The ball hit Bokuto’s head.        

His first thought was how good of an idea it had been to style his hair like this, protecting him from a worse headache as the ball jumped off it to the ground. His second thought though …  

“Have you not slept tonight?”

Akaashi was radiating tiredness. Not even a café’s entire supply of caffeine would have woken this guy up, although it was an idea Bokuto would like to try one day. But first of all, this situation needed to be fixed. With a good night’s sleep? Or maybe he could just empty a bucket of ice water over his setter’s head. That always worked to get people up in the morning, so …

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The way the second-year drew out the words in this half-asleep form of his, complete with dark circles under his eyes and his usually effortlessly messy hair looking more as if a bird had built a nest on it, was hilarious and Bokuto needed a moment to laugh out loud, earning weird looks from the few other people (namely Shirofuku and Konoha) who had stayed until after practice.

Once he was able to stop laughing, he took a deep breath to cherish the air back in his lungs. “Akaashi, I have no idea what kept you up so long, but didn’t you once say that without at least seven hours of sleep a night, you’ll be dead the next day? If we play like this in a tournament, maybe they’ll just give us the win out of pity! Though that would be kinda cool. But also really, really unsatisfying!”

“I just couldn’t fall asleep,” Akaashi murmured as he went to pick up the ball. Bokuto watched him trying several times before he could hold on to it without it immediately falling down again. This was better than a comedy show, but poor Akaashi probably didn’t see it the same way.

“Sure. Because … Nerves!” Kuroo had once told him he was a gullible person, but even if that was the case – he still denied it, because it wasn’t true! –, he didn’t buy that excuse for a minute. “Yeah, a normal day with no exams or important matches near can be really scary when you think about it. Were you watching TV? I’m pretty sure they don’t show any good movies after ten PM.”

“Common misconception.”

A sudden thought occurred to Bokuto and he gave his setter a knowing smirk. This had to be it. “Do you have a girlfriend? But no, you’d tell me about that, wouldn’t you? Unless … It’s forbidden love! Is she from a rival school? Is she part of the Yakuza? Has she killed someone? Wait, Akaashi, have _you_ killed someone?”

“Why would I kill someone?” The honest shock in Akaashi’s voice even made him sound slightly more awake, so yeah, that idea was out of the window. “And no, I don’t have a girlfriend. I was just …”

Akaashi’s sentence uncharacteristically cut off? Interesting. He was definitely hiding something. “You were just what?”

He didn’t get a proper answer. Instead, the second-year yawned and said, “Can I just go? I’m really tired.”

“I can see that,” Bokuto said more to himself and then waved Akaashi off, who immediately followed his motion and disappeared out of the main entrance of the gym. This was a code he’d crack. What if his vice-captain was doing something dangerous? Or, even worse, something cool, because that would mean he hadn’t invited the ace?

He’d find out! This kind of excuse that went nowhere would not satisfy him, nope. If Akaashi thought it would, that’d mean he was either more stupid than Bokuto had assumed … Or even more tired.

And that seemed just about impossible.

\---

The second time they met was when Akaashi’s cousin had invited him to a Christmas party.   

He stared at his phone while standing on the platform, waiting for the train to arrive. Akaashi wasn’t sure what to feel about this. When his family had insisted he go, to keep up the family spirit and whatnot, he hadn’t been happy. It wasn’t as if he had much to do with this cousin of his, and he wouldn’t know anyone besides him at the party.

That was why he had asked people to come with him in the first place. To just have someone he could awkwardly follow around hoping the night would end soon.

First, he had wanted to ask Bokuto, but that had been before he had remembered that the ace wasn’t even in the prefecture at the moment, spending Christmas break with some friends of the family who lived in Shimane. The rest of the volleyball team had either been occupied with Christmas as well or simply honest enough to say they had no interest. He had thought about contacting Kenma before quickly throwing that idea out of the window. Kenma on a party was something he just couldn’t even imagine. Kuroo? Never in a thousand years, and, well, there had only been one person left he had enough contact to for it to not seem completely weird.

Of course, it was still odd, knowing that of all people in this world it was Oikawa Tooru he was expecting to arrive shortly. Not only because, well, it was Oikawa Tooru, but he also lived in an entirely different prefecture. If anything, that would have been the perfect excuse to say no. Instead …               

**_Dec. 18 th              _ **

**_5:36 PM._ ** _are you there?_

 **_5:37 PM._ ** _akaacchis texting me?? thats a first  
**5:37 PM.** how do I deserve such honour?_

 **_5:38 PM._ ** _cherish the moment._

 **_5:38 PM._ ** _ill print this out and frame it on my wall!_

 **_5:39._ ** _if you feel like it … anyways._

He remembered his hand trembling as he had typed and deleted response after response, thinking _damn it, this should not be as hard_ , but with Oikawa waiting for his answer instead of teasing him, he had felt as if he had been being tested.

 **_5:44 PM._ ** _my cousin invited me to a party and I don’t know anyone there, so I’d rather take someone with me I know._

 **_5:45 PM._ ** _and u thought of me? thats sweet_ _♥_ _  
**5:45 PM.** when is it_

 **_5:45 PM._ ** _you were the last person I thought about, actually.  
**5:46 PM.** on the 20th._

 ** _5:46 PM._** _ouch_  
**5:46 PM.** why would u hurt me like that ToT  
**5:48 PM.** im free there tho so y not, ill be at the train station!  
**5:49 PM.** wait when does it start

His heart was racing against his chest as he reread their conversation. It still felt kind of surreal. After the training camp, where they had apparently bonded over Oikawa’s ridiculous tries to make Akaashi feel threatened that had eventually faded into small talk and an exchange of phone numbers, they had been texting each other frequently. But that had usually meant that Oikawa decided to message him at the most ungodly of times, mostly when other, normal people were asleep, and Akaashi enjoyed their banters more and more, even if they meant he showed up sleep-deprived to practice and missed most of his combos.      

Actually, if he thought about it like that, he might have a problem.       

 **_5:50 PM._ ** _8PM._

 **_5:52 PM._ ** _ill be there!_  
**5:52 PM.** ull wait for me right akaacchi?  
**5:53 PM.** cant wait to see u again, i missed u! _♥_

Akaashi was sure it was the cold air that made him blush.          

Because there was no way he’d read such an obvious _typical Tooru_ , as he liked to call it, as anything even remotely romantic.

Because there was no way he’d even think about reading it as anything even remotely romantic.

He put his phone back in the pocket of his dark green parka as the train arrived.

Not many people ever came here, especially not at this time of day; he was in the suburbs of Tokyo, after all, where there was nothing too special happening. The few leaving the white, rather dirty train looked in no way familiar to him, either. He wasn’t here a lot, his own home was pretty far, so the people he saw everyday wouldn’t come here, probably. Actually, this was, if he remembered correctly, the first time he had ever come here on his own and the second time he had ever even been here.

Yeah, the longer Akaashi thought about it, the more sense it made for him to take someone with him to this party, even if it was Oikawa. He had good orientation skills, but if they got lost, at least he wouldn’t be alone.            

Not that he kind of hoped that.

“Akaacchi!”       

Oikawa was hurrying toward him from one of the doors at the back of the train, waving and grinning as if really had missed him. Yes, it was the cold air that made him blush, he was sure now.

Instinctively, he stepped to the side as Oikawa lunged himself at where Akaashi had been standing and nearly fell flat on his face when he realised there wasn’t anyone there to hug. At least he caught himself before he hit the ground, somehow managing to stay on his feet. Akaashi would _not_ have had the patience to deal with him had he hurt himself.

“Hey, Akaacchi …” Oikawa, still not standing quite upright, looked up to him with a pout on his face before straightening up. The third-year stood at 184 centimeters, just the tiniest bit taller than Akaashi himself, even though he always seemed _bigger_ , his confidence and reputation preceding him, apparently. His brown hair perfectly in place (Akaashi always figured it looked kind of fluffy, but no way would he try to touch it. He didn’t even want to. Why would he?), his equally brown eyes shining with mischief and false disappointment behind dark, thick-rimmed glasses that Akaashi was sure were only for show, his sharp features, always looking as if he was constantly thinking even when he came across as relaxed and happy … There was no denying it. Oikawa Tooru was too handsome for his own good. Not fair.

“I told you to stop calling me that,” Akaashi managed to say. Not that he was at a loss of words. It had just been a while. Right.     

“But it’s cute, like you!” He couldn’t tell whether Oikawa was joking or actually meant that, but he guessed the former. From all he had learned about the other setter by now, he wasn’t the one to make compliments like this without an ulterior motive. “And you should have just let me hug you, you know, it’s been so long!”        

“It was a reflex.” Akaashi didn’t even have to lie. He had dealt with enough of Bokuto and Kuroo’s crap to automatically avoid such form of sudden physical contact. The last time he hadn’t, it had ended in Bokuto trust-falling into his arms and Akaashi’s open bottle of water spilling all over the gym floor.

Another pout from Oikawa. “You’re almost as bad as Iwa-chan. Just don’t start hitting me.”

“You might just deserve it.”                                                                                                  

“Okay, I take that back, you’re worse than Iwa-chan!”

“How is that worse?”   

He flinched when Oikawa took his arm and started walking into the supposed direction of his cousin’s house. However he had found out about where he lived was beyond him, maybe Oikawa had just guessed or randomly started walking just to go _somewhere_ instead of standing there not doing anything.

“It’s worse because Iwa-chan is already scary, but you’re cute. You wouldn’t expect someone cute to hit you, right?” The way Oikawa said it made it sound as if it was an obvious fact, like ‘water is wet’ or ‘owls are the best animals’ or ‘Oikawa Tooru is positively irritating’.

He didn’t even know what to say, so he just went with the first thing that came to his mind. “I’m not cute.”   

The look he received was one of feigned horror and loss of faith in humanity. “Are you kidding me?”

They stopped at a traffic light, waiting for it to change, and Oikawa had the nerve to come a bit closer still. It wasn’t as if Akaashi had already been hyperaware of his presence next to him, their arms linked as if they were middle school girls.

“You’re adorable! Like a small owl. Must be the school!”

“Now you’re just rambling,” Akaashi said. Seriously, Oikawa had to stop before this got even more embarassing.

“Nothing wrong with stating the truth, is there?”          

The traffic light changed and as they started walking again, Oikawa gave him a side glance that would have made one of his too many fangirls squeal. “But hey, let’s just have fun tonight!”

\---

Seven.

It’s your own fault, you know that, it’s you who is breaking your own heart because you just can’t let go. It’s you who is destroying not only yourself but also him, the one person you wanted to protect the most, the one person who has been there to protect you instead. _It’s been so long_ , you think as the fireworks lose their beauty in your eyes. _It’s been so long_ , you think and you don’t know whether you said it out loud. _It’s been so long_ , you think, certain that you shouldn’t be here. _It’s been so long_ , you think even though the words burn your broken heart. _It’s been so long_ , you think as the tears start falling.

Eight.

 _Why_ , you think, want to say it, too, but you can’t. It’s your own weakness. You have yourself to blame for being here, for even coming here, and you don’t know why, don’t know how you got here in the first place, will you ever know? It’s always like this, isn’t it, that one light, shining dimly amidst despair, blown out like a candle because god forbid you be happy. That would be too easy, that might even be considered fair after everything you’ve been through. But here you are, drowning in self-pity, and you can’t help it. It’s petty, it’s stupid, it’s the worst thing you’ve felt in ages, and it’s all your own fault. Sobs are shaking you, you’re holding your arms tight around your upper body as you are shaking, all alone near a tree on a hill, fireworks colouring the night sky.

Nine.

It should just go, it should just leave you the hell alone, this stupid voice. It’s quieted down but you can still feel it lurking in the shadows, ready to approach once you have cried your tears away. Why can’t you get over this, why are you so sure he would say sorry if he was here, why are you afraid he would? Is it fear that holds you, is it the truth, or is it paranoia and you are seeing things that aren’t? You don’t know at this point and you’ve stopped caring a lifetime ago, when everything was perfect until you had to go and ruin it all. In the end, that’s all you ever get, you know that much, it has happened too many times. You try your best, you crash through that wall even if your bones break, you are your best and more and it’s not enough, it’s never enough. You are never good enough. You will never be good enough.

\---

The third time they met was at Oikawa’s worst point.

It hadn’t been so long since they had seen each other the last time, at least via video chat. A week or so. But so much had happened it felt like he had been living an entirely different life.

Oikawa remembered Akaashi letting him stay at his room overnight after he had missed the last train back on the night of the party. The younger setter had even let him sleep on his bed while he himself had taken the couch. He remembered saying it was unusual for him, he seemed like more of the person who wouldn’t let one invade their privacy even in such an arbitrary way. The other hadn’t said anything.

He didn’t now, either.

He just held him as Oikawa’s entire act of optimism and enthusiasm he had built up for years broke down in the arms of Akaashi on the floor of Seijoh’s gym.

They had lost, this was is, the worst case, Karasuno had won and Aoba Johsai wouldn’t go to nationals, Tobio had surpassed him, he hadn’t even had the chance to face off against Shiratorizawa, it was over, it was over, it was all over now and he had been fine, had made himself believe he’d be able to relief that anger by smashing down some volleyballs with nobody else there but then Akaashi had appeared in the doorframe and Oikawa had no idea what had been doing but here they were and it hurt, oh _god_ did it hurt.

But right now, as he clung to his friend as if his life depended on it – and oh, it felt like it did, like he didn’t even know himself what he would have done had Akaashi not appeared, how much further he would have pushed himself –, he stopped thinking. He just was, and the most miraculous part of all of it was that Akaashi let him.

_“You know, it’ll hurt my heart when we crush you at nationals.”_

_“We’ll see about that. If I were you, I wouldn’t make such promises. You’ve seen how strong Fukurodani is … What was your win-to-loss ratio against us at the training camp again?”_

_“Oh, you’re terrible, Akaacchi! What do you think, that we’re doing nothing in training? We haven’t even shown you guys what we can do.”_

_“Then I suppose we’ll see that in Tokyo. But don’t think it’s going to be easy.”_

_“Not for one second!”_

A hand stroking his hair. In any other situation, he would have felt patronised, but right now, the gesture was calming, probably more so than any words could have been. Surely, there were a lot of people who’d say stuff like _it’s okay_ and _you’ve still got college_ if they were in Akaashi’s place, and he had heard those things already. _Karasuno was strong, but we gave them a good fight. You’ve done the best you could do._ But there was nothing more painful than finding out the best you could do was still not enough.

And Akaashi knew.

That was why he had come here, wasn’t it?     

To take all the way from Tokyo just so he could see Oikawa … Or maybe he had been there watching the Spring Prelims of Miyagi already, Oikawa wasn’t sure whether the ones of Tokyo overlapped with them, so he might have just been here for the friends he had probably made at Karasuno while they had been at their training camp he had told him about …

He wanted to believe it was for him.

 _Just let me have this_ , he thought as he relaxed, slowly. It would take him a while to get over this, the sting would probably always be a memory he wouldn’t be able to forget, but all too soon all that could be heard in the otherwise empty gym was their steady breathing, Oikawa’s still louder than Akaashi’s but the latter so close.

A murmured “Sorry” broke the silence. He wasn’t sure which one of them had said it, but he thought it might have been him as he heard Akaashi answer.

“Don’t be.”       

And perhaps he was being stupid and delusional and maybe he had just finally burned out completely, but Oikawa found that to be the most comforting thing he had heard ever since the match. Because he knew that Akaashi Keiji, for all it was worth, always meant what he said. Sure, that could make his words even harder to take than Iwaizumi’s, but at the same time, Oikawa cherished the complete certainty that the younger setter would not feign pity or understanding. Maybe that was what made the difference. He hadn’t had the feeling that someone had taken him completely seriously, not even with Iwaizumi, whom he knew he could always trust. There had always been this underlying feeling of _you’re overreacting_. But this one _don’t be_ … It felt more like an _I get it_.

_Don’t apologize, because I know how this feels._

Did he, really? Did it even matter?

Or maybe, probably, Oikawa was just reading too much into this. He had always believed he was good at reading people, but emotions could cloud your vision, which might have been why he usually kept them sealed behind iron walls.

He looked up, finally meeting Akaashi’s gaze. It wasn’t fair, really, he decided, to have such a pretty boy so close to you if you were supposed to be the most beautiful person in the room.

He didn’t really care.

“I’m a trainwreck, aren’t I?”

The hint of a smile hushed over the second-year’s lips. “So you’ve finally realized it.”

He couldn’t help the small laugh tumbling out of his mouth before he let out a half-hearted “you’re rude” and closed his eyes as he felt Akaashi’s low breath on his lips.        

Wait.

What?

“Oh no.”             

Akaashi pulled away and Oikawa still had no idea what was happening when he put his hand on the back of the other boy’s head and pulled him towards him. Whispering “don’t you dare” before leaning just the tiniest bit forward.

And there they were, still kneeling on the floor of a gym at what Akaashi would have probably called an ungodly time of day had either of them cared to look outside where the moon had been shining for a while now. There they were and if someone asked Oikawa just how weird his life had become at this point, he would’ve laughed and said “fucked up beyond repair”.        

There they were.

And god, he had not believed that a simple touch of lips could burn all your troubles away, if only for a second.

His one hand was still where it had been, now ever so softly twisting in Akaashi’s soft black hair, the other lay on the second-year’s chest as Akaashi’s hands held on to Oikawa’s upper arms. The cold, hard floor was starting to become uncomfortable but like hell did he care, why should he, if everything he had probably wanted for a while was happening right now and only because of his own sheer incompetence …

He gasped for air as the kiss came to an abrupt halt.     

Akaashi had his eyes still closed, a dark blush colouring his light skin, his shoulders rising and falling with every deep breath he took. He was flawless. Oikawa did not deserve him.

Slowly, his eyes opened, looking at the broken mess of a boy before him. A memory popped into Oikawa’s brain, of the first time they had met, when he had wanted to provoke him and all he had gotten back had been an unimpressed stare.

So much had changed, he felt compelled to laugh.

“Uh.” Akaashi said, looking clearly as out of it as Oikawa felt. “Uhm, yeah.”

“Well spoken, Akaacchi, really. I couldn’t have said it any better.” He wasn’t sure himself whether or not he was teasing him. In his current state of mind, he probably meant it. _Uh. Uhm, yeah_ seemed to sum up what had just happened just about perfectly. Heck, what _had_ just happened? They had kissed, and …

He had kissed Akaashi Keiji and he had no idea how to feel about it.

Except he did.

Half of him told him to run away, the other less sane, but slightly louder half screamed at him to just screw it all, this day had been enough of a terrifying rollercoaster ride as it was, it couldn’t possibly get worse by doing this again. And again. And then maybe some more.

It wasn’t like he had a choice when Akaashi stood up and he automatically asked, “You’re not going to leave now, are you?”   

The look he earned shut him up immediately.

“Are you crazy?”            

“I might be.” Oikawa got up and took Akaashi’s arm, smiling at him more genuinely had, about, ever. Especially after a day like this. “So … There’s that one crappy restaurant that’s open 24 hours …”

“Will do.”

\---

“Was that Fukurodani’s setter I’ve seen you with yesterday?”

Oikawa didn’t even bother to look up from whatever was so interesting on his phone as he said, “Hey, Iwa-chan, no need to be jealous. You don’t deserve me anyway, so you might as well just get over it! And his name’s Akaashi.”

“What’s with you today? You’re even more annoying than usual. If you keep that up, I’ll hit you again.”

“Nah, you won’t.”

Iwaizumi was about one hundred percent sure that the last bit of sanity he still had left after dealing with Oikawa’s shit from elementary school onwards was about to go out of the window. Honestly, Oikawa was right in that he couldn’t even bother hitting his friend anymore. He just stared at him menacingly, hoping the setter would at least feel the death glare if he didn’t want to look at him.

He had assumed the worst back at the training camp. _I think I just found my calling._ The way Oikawa had looked at that second-year setter from Fukurodani had been bad news, his entire attitude towards the situation a loud scream of _don’t you even dare think of going there_. And yet, here he was, standing next to one of the benches of Aoba Johsai High’s schoolyard, having a supposed conversation about that exact drama.

Another thing Iwaizumi was certain about: Oikawa had crushed on that setter for a while now. Most people wouldn’t have noticed; it was only because they knew each other for so long that Iwaizumi noticed the slight changes in expression when Oikawa read a new message, the amount of times he talked about ‘Akaacchi’, the frequent “no, I can’t go with you to get something to eat, I promised Akaacchi we’d skype”. If you thought about it, it seemed kind of obvious, but such things were hard to see in a person who treated everyone hotly and coldly, constantly shifting between flirtatious teasing and not-so vague threats.

But hell, Iwaizumi was sick and tired of the constant beating around the bush. What Oikawa had said right now had been the closest thing to a confirmation of a, to him, very obvious thing he had gotten ever since it had started. He still couldn’t believe Akaashi had managed to keep up with Oikawa’s bullshit long enough for them to be sitting around awkwardly in a crappy restaurant at 2AM.

The only reason he had even been there to see them had been the match. If he was being honest, Iwaizumi had been kind of scared what Oikawa would do, knowing his friend well enough to consider self-harm, intentional or not, an actual possibility. He hadn’t stuck around when Oikawa had been smashing his assumed hundredth jump-serve into the net, or when, apparently, Akaashi had turned up even though he should probably be in Tokyo right now. He hadn’t been there when _something_ had lifted Oikawa’s spirits enough to be called a miracle. He hadn’t gone inside the restaurant, actually, he had just passed it on his way home after he had figured that just staying around for the case of anything bad happening wouldn’t solve any problems either.

“Just say it, Shittykawa,” he demanded, still staring down at Oikawa with an expression that he hoped would make his friend beg for mercy once he would finally bother to look at him. Either he had suddenly developed a severe smartphone addiction or he was texting someone. Probably the latter. Probably the setter in question, judging from the rare genuine smile on his face. “You like that guy.”

“Like, like or _like_ like?” It sounded like a middle schooler’s question. Iwaizumi couldn’t believe they were actually doing this.

“You know exactly what I mean, so just drop the act.”

Finally, he looked at him. A little. Not even moving his head. “What act?”         

Iwaizumi was about to ragequit or at least shout something akin to “ _that_ act”, but stopped himself midway when he remembered he really didn’t have any examples. It wasn’t as if Oikawa had ever _denied_ his crush. That was probably because Iwaizumi had never really asked, but as he thought about it, he realised there really hadn’t been an act at all. And that was saying something, talking about Oikawa ‘I hide my insecurities by mocking people and making silly peace signs’ Tooru.

Which made him think of something else.

Yesterday had been a terrible day, for all of Seijoh, but especially the third-years and _especially_ Oikawa. Iwaizumi knew just how much it had broken him to have lost his last chance at nationals with Aoba Johsai. He had seen how down he had been. But now … Sure, the pain of defeat still hung above all of them and he could feel the underlying feeling of bitterness in his friend’s every word, and still … He had assumed it to be much worse.

Whatever that Akaashi guy had said or done last night, it had helped. So maybe he should just call it a day and be grateful for it.

At least for now.

\---

Ten.

There is a hand on your shoulder, a familiar presence. You shouldn’t be able to tell it’s him, don’t you think the last tears streaming down your cheeks should be indicator enough that it’s over, it doesn’t matter, you’ll survive this? But look at you, kneeling on the ground, probably ruining your pants with grass stains, in a state only a few people have ever seen you in. No, actually, _this time, this time it’s worse_ , you think. It’s a different kind of pain, the kind that makes you want to crush something and then yourself, and you whisper his name so, so quietly. Because even after all the things that were supposed to kill you, you’re still weak. Maybe you were stronger before this happened. Back when you haven’t known defeat or how it feels to lose the one person that means the world to you because after all, you’re just someone who has never been taught how to stop. And that’s when you hear the voice again. Only this time, it’s not just inside your head.

You decide to stop counting.

And you turn around and there he is.

\---

They had no idea anymore how often they had met.

The fireworks painted the sky, exploding in all kinds of shapes and colours. The National Spring High School Tournament was officially over and by the tree on a hill nobody knew was the best spot to watch this spectacle, they sat on the ground.

“You know these fireworks that form pictures or words?” Tooru asked, a sheepish grin on his face. Akaashi prepared himself for the worst. “One day I’ll write _I love Akaacchi_ in the sky with them.”

He laughed and cringed at the same time at the idea. “Oh, please don’t or I’ll never look at you again.”

“I bet you wouldn’t do that. I’m too pretty to look away.”

“Do you really believe that?”

“Kind of. Do you?”         

“Yeah.”

Akaashi’s head was resting on Tooru’s shoulder, his breath even and relaxed, but his heart still beating just a little too quickly against his chest. It had been a while, but it felt as if everything had happened in a few days rather than several months. Still hard to take in. Hard to believe.

But it somehow felt right.

“You know what I just thought about?” Tooru looked at him from the side and smirked. Akaashi was pretty sure what he would say would either ruin the moment or make him laugh. Maybe both. Probably both.

He still guessed, “Probably fireworks of yourself and me with a heart in between. That sounds like something you’d do.”      

“Ooh, nice idea. I’ll remember that one. But I actually meant university.”          

He frowned and turned his gaze to the fireworks again. “Why would you think about university right now?”

“Well, you know how I want to study Astronomy, and you’re my sun and stars …”       

“Please. Stop.” Akaashi couldn’t help a laugh at this cheesy idiot he called his … Boyfriend. Naming it was still a strange feeling. Especially when he thought about how it was Oikawa Tooru. Yeah, his life had taken a weird turn and Bokuto having laughed for what had felt like half an hour straight after hearing about it had not helped. “Or I’m really going to leave.”

“You wouldn’t!”

“Just watch me.”

He should have expected Tooru pulling him closer, awkwardly positioning him in his lap and wrapping his arms around him, but somehow it still caught him by surprise until he stared into those warm brown eyes, again reflecting the lights of the fireworks behind his glasses. Akaashi was pretty sure Tooru didn’t actually need those glasses, at least not in everyday life, but it was a fashion statement he didn’t mind in the slightest.

No matter what, he couldn’t bring himself to look away as another sheepish smile tugged on Tooru’s lips. “Try it.”     

“Is that a challenge?” Akaashi breathed, only half as collected as he would have liked. Right now, he was pretty glad he hadn’t had to play against Seijoh in nationals, even though it was a selfish thought. Because even though he knew if he was in a match he would always be focused, he didn’t trust himself quite enough to really be sure.

“Whatever you say.”    

_“Well, you can try, but please don’t cry when you won’t even get a set,” Oikawa said in a low voice, his smile an obvious challenge, a threat, even. “Even though it’ll be nice to get you off of your high horses. Take it as a chance, see … To learn a thing or two from us.”_

_He’d heard worse. No, actually, he’d spend enough time with Bokuto and Kuroo to not be surprised by anything anymore. Oikawa could have threatened his life right there and his answer would have been the same. “Whatever you say.”_

“Is this coincidence or do you remember it?” He didn’t know why he asked. Obviously, Tooru wouldn’t have forgotten. One time during the training camp, Iwaizumi from Seijoh had claimed that Tooru had been devastated by Akaashi’s lack of reaction. In the end, it had been the thing that had gotten them to talk and exchange phone numbers in the first place. Akaashi had found it really endearing for some reason, how Tooru had not given up trying.

“Ha, so you _have_ noticed it!” The triumphant look on Tooru’s face was … Adorable. It really was. He didn’t try to fight the grin, relishing in some bizarre wave of _so it’s not me who’s the so-called cute one now_. “And here I thought I was the only one looking back on the fated encounter that set off a love story of epic proportions …”

“Of text messages at 3AM when there’s school the next day, a party where I just awkwardly followed you around until you gathered about 30 Facebook friend requests and managed to smuggle me into some conversations, too many hours of Skype, a post-midnight snack at a bad restaurant …”

“As I said, epic proportions!”

Akaashi laughed and leaned in closer. Slowly, the fireworks were dying off, not that he paid a lot of attention to them anymore anyway. It was a shift, though, he thought, from loud and vibrant to something calmer, welcoming and wonderful like Tooru’s lips on Akaashi’s.

_“Uh, Akaacchi, I think we missed the train.”_

_Akaashi looked at the timetable and couldn’t believe it. Oikawa was right. They had missed the train. It was shortly after midnight and the next one was scheduled for 6AM._

_“We did,” he said as if it wasn’t obvious enough. He supposed it was a good thing that there was no school tomorrow, because there was no way Oikawa could get back to Miyagi in time if there was._

_“But since you’re a really nice person and stuff … I don’t suppose you could let me stay at your place tonight?”_

_The smile on Oikawa’s face was so skilfully innocent and Akaashi suddenly felt like punching a wall._

“Say, Akaacchi,” Tooru murmured, his lips close to Akaashi’s ear, rendering him speechless. He probably knew it. He seemed to know a lot of things. “Let’s try and get into the same college though. I mean, next year, you poor little second-year.”

“It should work.” His voice was a mere whisper, but loud enough for Tooru to hear. He hoped. With the fireworks now silent, there was only the soft wind to be heard around them. “I mean, I have good grades, I’m sure I’ll keep that up. And then I can just follow you.”

“Sounds perfect!”         

_Awkward._

_That was the best description, he decided. It was really, really awkward as they were sitting next to each other at a higher table facing the wall._

_Oikawa hadn’t lied when he had said that this was a crappy restaurant. At least Akaashi was pretty sure that pasta wasn’t supposed to be black and taste like coal._

_“You know,” Oikawa tried to break the silence for the fourth time now, but Akaashi had never known what to reply, so all his previous tries had ended in even more time of not talking to each other. “This is probably the point where I’d start calling you Keiji, whether you like it or not, but I just like the nickname so much.”_

_That was something he hadn’t mentioned before. Something Akaashi could work with. Maybe._

_He said the first thing that came into his mind, determined to really bring their endless awkward silence to a stop this time around. “Can I call you Tooru, then?”_

“Akaacchi?”      

“Hm?”

“You’re pretty great.”

It was ridiculous that he was still blushing at stuff like this, yet here he was, not knowing what to say, because even though Tooru could be stupid and silly and irritating, he was loveably so.

Akaashi asked himself every day how on earth he deserved someone like this.

He had seen him broken, crying, at his worst. Had seen his façade crumble to dust in the younger setter’s arms. Had admired him from afar for what he appeared to be and now cherished him for what he truly was.

And maybe it was a stupid thing to think, at their age, under their circumstances, but Akaashi wanted to believe this would last forever, this thing they had somehow grown into without even noticing at first. Even though in hindsight, his crush had been ridiculous, but what they had somehow made of it wasn’t, even if it had been forged over stupid text conversations and long Skype calls and few meetings in between.

One day, he would tell Tooru all of that, and Tooru would laugh and call him a sap. And Akaashi would laugh with him and agree, but remind him that sometimes, you need to be a little sappy. Sometimes it’s just true.

By the tree on the hill nobody knew was the best spot to watch this spectacle, they sat on the ground, mesmerised by the bright colours.

 _It’s been a while_ , he thought.

But the memory of the first time they had met still burned in his brain.

\---

Your eyes open.

Slowly.

You’re on your side, facing the wall plastered with posters of space and volleyball.

You feel warm, clutching the one who is still sleeping in your arms.

There are tears streaming down your cheeks, but you smile.

He’s here.

He always is.

**Author's Note:**

> To clarify, it wasn't a dream. Well, not all of it. Only the parts that mirror the last one in style. ~
> 
> Please tell me I've converted at least 1% of the people who read this to Akaoi. Please. I NEED PEOPLE TO TALK TO ABOUT THIS SHIP


End file.
